How lucky we were
by 95sparky95
Summary: Kensi is hurt and no one knows. Deeks doesn't realise; can he forgive himself for letting his partner down? the consequences may be too much for him to bear.
1. Chapter 1

Kensi woke with a crashing headache; the pounding reminder of yesterday's chase. It had been a successful day, a great end to a grim week tracking down and breaking up a gang that were selling damaged military weapons. They had come face to face with the dealers at their storage unit and a hairy fight had ensued, with Kensi and Deeks pinned in a corner whilst Callen and Sam tried to get them out. The whole thing had ended with a brief but effective fist fight, during which Kensi received a sharp blow with a pistol to the head which had sent her straight down and into the line of a well-aimed kick in the ribs. At the scene she refused to let the others fuss, happy to hide her embarrassment of being the only one who suffered amid the chaos of arresting six men. Once she was off duty however, she was free to check out the deep purple bruises across her abdomen and wince as she breathed in. She had not even noticed the headache till she woke up.

She gave a soft moan as she got out of bed before reprimanding herself; Kensi Blye didn't feel pain… she didn't show it anyway. In the bathroom she raised her eyebrows at her own reflection. The bags under her eyes clearly told the story of her bad night's sleep, but the bright lights in the bathroom increased the throbbing of her head tenfold and she could only look for a minute. A quick shower and a piece of toast later and Kensi was feeling more like herself again. A longer inspection in the mirror showed no improvement in the colour of her ribs, but she could already breathe easier, and she had become accustomed to the headache that was causing black spots to dance ahead of her eyes.

She walked into the office slowly. The boys were already all sitting at their desks, but greeted her loudly and cheerfully. Kensi replied in kind, but a bit quieter, closing her eyes briefly. Deeks was instantly on his feet; Nothing got past those blue eyes. 'I'm fine Deeks. Sit down.' She raised her eyebrows at him, daring him to defy her… she knew he wouldn't though.

Deeks watched Kensi with concerned eyes. He saw the worry in the other's eyes as well; Kensi was unusually pale, her eyes unfocused. She sat down without looking at anyone, immediately occupied with her paperwork. She definitely wasn't right though. Deeks thought back to the hectic events of the previous day and wished he had properly checked on her. She was so stubborn when it came to showing weakness. Nothing would convince her to ask for help, but he regretted not pushing her into telling him.

Kensi looked up only when Hetty walked into the pen. Her head was screaming like it had been sliced by a jet engine, a pain that was actually getting worse. Hetty looked at her but did not comment as she gave out her orders to head up to ops. Only as they were leaving the pen did Hetty stop her, letting the others walk on ahead.

'Miss Blye? You are not looking so well this morning. Are you alright?'

Kensi gave her a look similar to that which Deeks had received and shrugged her off. 'I'm just tired Hetty, I'm fine.' She kicked herself when she said that. 'fine' was the same as 'bad' in the NCIS office. She walked off, heading up to ops behind the others.

The darkened lights of the ops room with the cool air required for the computers was bliss to Kensi. It did not stop her hands shaking however, and she clamped them down onto the back of a chair to hide their tremble. The cool air and dark room was not enough for her, and she was not even listening to Eric and Nell as they started to talk about a new case. All she could hear was her breathing and as she focused on it, she realised how ragged it was. The room was getting darker, almost black, everything turning blurry whilst the ground grew closer… rushing up to her. The world went quiet.

Deeks had waited at the back of the room for Kensi to come in, and had noticed her hands uncontrollable tremor. He would have to talk to her when Eric and Nell were finished. There was no point her being in work when she was clearly feeling so bad. He was just working out how to tell her this without being shanked, when he saw, from the corner of his eye, Kensi slump to the floor. He was by her side in an instant, followed by Callen and Sam. She was pale, her eyelids almost translucent, fluttering softly. Deeks called her name softly with no response, whilst Sam rolled her onto her back and Callen took her pulse. They were still a team, working closely together for the sake of one of their own. Callen swore 'her heart is beating way too fast.'

Kensi was reluctant to open her eyes, her body asking to go back to the peace of unconsciousness, but her mind telling her to get up. Deek's persistent voice was nagging her more and more, and she finally eased her heavy eyes open. 'Sorry' she whispered.

Something was seriously wrong with Kensi. Deeks knew it and he was it on the other's faces too. She was shivering uncontrollably, and her heart was still beating furiously. The biggest indicator of a problem however was her lack of resistance. That one word slipping from her lips like a guilty secret said so much. Kensi Blye was admitting defeat. Deeks had never seen it before and it terrified him. 'Kensi? We are going to get you some help, ok. Do you think you can sit up?'

Kensi gave a tiny smile. 'It's ok...'

Callen interrupted before she could say anything about being fine. 'Don't be stupid Kens, we will get you sorted out.' She nodded slowly, no energy to put up a fight.

She had no energy to sit upright, she suddenly found, and was grateful to Sam's big arms supporting her. In fact, her body was folding once more, her eyes rolling backwards, her already weak body limp once more.

Sam caught her lifeless form and led the way to the sofas downstairs, fear caught in his throat. She was such an important part of his life, of all of their lives, and now it looked like her life could be in the balance. 'Have we got an ambulance coming?'

Nell called over the balcony at this; 'It's five minutes out.'

Deeks was sitting with her head in his lap, his own hands shaking from fear. He loved Kensi and she was suffering. He didn't know what was wrong and it was killing him. He should have made sure she was alright.

'Damn it Kens.' He whispered in her ear. 'We're meant to be partners. We're meant to tell each other things. What happened princess?' He tenderly laid his shaking hand upon her limp one, terrified to hurt her but terrified to leave her. Suddenly he heard Kensi's breath catch in her throat, coming out as a ragged gasp instead of shallow breaths. Callen, who had been kneeling beside her motionless body looked at Deeks, his eyes questioning. Carefully, almost guiltily, he pulled up her shirt so they could see her abdomen. He swore loudly when he saw the dark purple skin that shaded her ribs.

'How did she even get up this morning?' Callen gently ran his hands over the bruising. 'Where's that ambulance? We need it now. This is really bad.' Even as he spoke the glorious ring of sirens began to filter into the building. Sam had rushed out to stop the crew from entering the building; even now, the team were instinctively protecting their home. Callen too headed out, leaving Deeks to carefully bring Kensi.

'I'm sorry Kens.' Deeks whispered as he tried to lift her as smoothly as possible. Even as he said this, her beautiful eyes fluttered open and looked into his. His breath caught in his throat as he saw she was conscious.

'Deeks.' She whispered, her voice cracking with the effort. 'I… I didn't mean to… I'm sorry Deeks. Please forgive me.' A single tear carved its path along her cheek. The first tear Deeks had ever seen her shed.

'Shh princess. It's ok, we're going to get help. You're going to be fine I promise.' He smiled weakly, trying to convince himself as much as her.

'I love you.' The words were barely audible, slipped in almost like an afterthought. Deeks heard them though, heard them and stared at her in his arms; desperately seeking confirmation that it hadn't been his own thoughts echoing around in his own head. She was fading again though, wilting in his arms as he watched. Her eyes no longer focused on his, slipping shut and back into the realm of unconsciousness.

'Kensi, stay with me, please. Kensi, PLEASE?' He was begging desperately now as he took her lifeless body out of the building, ignoring the paramedics who rushed to take her from him. 'NO, wait, let me talk to her, please, she was talking… she was… she was alright again. Kensi, Kensi look at me. Come on baby. Please…' Sam stepped forwards, ready to help the paramedics take her, his own heart breaking as he saw Deeks' distress.

'Hey, Deeks, come on. They are here to help. Let them take her man.' He placed a hand on Deeks' arm and it was like the spell was broken. Deeks nodded slightly, moving his head the smallest amount, but relaxing his grip over Kensi. He carefully lowered her onto the waiting gurney, but refused to let go of her hand, sticking by her side as they took her to the waiting ambulance. Sam followed, and as they loaded her into the ambulance, he pulled her away, grabbing him by the shoulders . 'Come on man, we will follow. Give them space to work.' Deeks looked at him blankly, but he did not resist. He was whispering something under his breath.

'I love her. I love her. I didn't say anything. She doesn't know. I love her. I need to tell her.' Deeks murmured over and over, allowing himself to be led to Sam's car like an infant. 'Kensi. Kens. I'm sorry. I love you.'

Sam sped through the LA traffic, trying to keep the ambulance's flashing lights in view. Deeks sat silently behind him, and Callen kept glancing at him from the passenger seat. He had not spoken since they had left the office and his silence was more disturbing than the manic whispering. Both Callen and Sam knew what there was between Deeks and Kensi, but no one had ever voiced it. Now it was finally in the open and it was heart breaking. It was not fair that it had taken this tragedy for the two of them to see exactly what they meant to each other. Callen looked over his shoulder at the shadow that Deeks had become. 'Deeks, hey, she is in the best place.' Deeks did not even look at him.

They pulled into the hospital car park, joining the frenzy of doctors and patients and visitors, rushing to reception. They had lost track of the ambulance when it pulled into the ambulance bay and they had had to speed into the visitor's car park, and now the three men desperately searched for the woman that held the team together. Sam did the talking, using his bulk and his badge to force Kensi's location out of the receptionist. The woman gave the tree men a sympathetic smile. She was used to this crazed panic when the status of a loved one was unknown, but it was the face of the scruffy haired man who hung uselessly beside the others, his eyes unfocused and filled with pain that urged her to break protocol and give them the information they wanted. She had never seen anyone so lost, so broken. Beside these two strong, intimidating men he looked like a child, but she had no doubt that he was once the third strong, intimidating man. This girl they were looking for must be special. 'They've taken her to the operating room. The waiting room is on the next floor, sign in with the nurse on the desk and she will let the surgeons know that you are there.' The two intimidating men thanked her, and she watched with amazement as they turned to the third man, and with such tenderness led him to the lift, a comforting hand on the shoulder and caring looks guiding him there.

They waited for hours, and in that time the waiting room filled. Eric and Nell arrived, having shifted their cases onto LAPD, and Hetty appeared silently, unnoticed until she wanted to be seen. The only people conspicuously missing were any real family, not that it mattered. This team mattered more to Kensi than any blood relatives. The increase in numbers did not make them feel any less useless. Deeks looked around at all the people who cared for his girl and gave a sad smile. What good did all this love do her now? In his frustration, unable to sit still while this fear grew and grew inside him, he got to his feet, shaking his head at Callen who made a move to go with him. 'I need to go think.' He muttered, and left the room alone.

He returned an hour later, and Callen's tears told him all he needed to know.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone, thank you so much for your lovely reviews! I apologise in advance for this… it was mean and I didn't like writing it, but I felt like I had limited options. **

**Please don't hate me! **

_Deeks looked at her, lying peacefully beside him. 'Hey, Kensi, you know I love you don't you?' She smiled, her eyes still closed._

'_It has been an hour since you last told me baby, I was beginning to worry.' She opened her eyes and looked at him, raising her eyebrows sarcastically. Then her features softened, her eyes creasing at the edges. 'I love you too.'_

'_Let's stay here forever. We don't need to worry about anything here.' He lay down and closed his eyes, utterly content._

_Kensi slowly sat up when Deeks said this. 'You know that can't happen. This place isn't for you.' Her voice was gentle, apologetic. 'Maybe one day.' The last sentence was a whisper in the breeze._

_Deeks jerked upright, eyes snapping open. 'Kensi.' He spoke aloud, but there was no one to hear._

Deeks jerked upright, eyes snapping open. 'Kensi.' He spoke aloud, but there was no one there to hear. He was in his own home, not in that peaceful place in his mind. Reality slammed into him, the same pain that hit him every time he woke. Daylight was just starting to filter through the shutters and for a moment Deeks remained motionless. Then he snapped to action, willing himself to move, or he would lie there all day. Normally he _would_ just stay there, till one of the others came over to remind him that life was continuing. Not today though.

His black suit was draped over the back of the sofa, pristine and pressed. He put it on slowly, forcing himself through every step, down to the buttons on the shirt. The suit didn't seem to fit him anymore, his once confident frame had shrivelled and he felt like he disappeared into the dark material. The suit showed him what he was refusing to admit; she had changed him. He needed her.

A key turned in the door, followed by Sam's hulking figure. He seemed to have grown in grief, mindless exercise filling the empty spot in his mind, the place where she had once laughed. 'Come on Deeks, it's time to go.' He placed a hand on Deeks' shoulder, but there was already so much weight there that Deeks could not feel the comforting touch.

They walked to the car.

Callen was waiting, sitting in the back seat for once; anything to make the day less painful for the man who was hurting the worst. Deeks actually offered him a smile as he slid into the passenger seat, not totally detached from the world, appreciating the gesture. Callen returned the smile, but it did not reach his eyes, not today.

They drove in silence.

Deeks was surprised when they were not the only ones there; he had forgotten about life outside work in the last few years. Then again, he supposed, there was life before work.

The team, _her_ team, took up the front row; Deeks, Sam, Callen, Eric, Nell and Nate. Only Hetty was conspicuously missing. She had handed in her resignation and disappeared.

The moment came too fast for Deeks, but he was calm, talking strength from the others; a hand squeeze from Nell, a cautious pat from Nate.

He said his goodbye silently. It was too late to say the one thing that he really wanted to. He looked at her peaceful body, so gentle in death. No one could mistake her for being asleep; the blazing passion for life which fuelled her every moment was gone. This body was not that of the woman he loved. It was not _his_ Kensi. He could have said those three little words, but she would not have heard. He did not want to waste those words.

**Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome and appreciated! X**


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